As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
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Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
it’s the silliest best thing
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?