Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
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Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.