Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
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[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.