I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
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Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.