Am getting real tired of your crap…
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My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.