I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
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Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt