My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
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[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
I have questions??
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.