me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
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I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.