ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
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buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
X-tra spooky blend
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*