#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
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“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?