Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
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*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
I’m not wrong
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.