I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
You Might Also Like
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
i want to work in this restaurant
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).