Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
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Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
This pepper has seen some shit
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!