Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
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My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE