The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
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He just like my cat fr
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
having children is a pyramid scheme.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
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Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”