If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
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Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM