wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
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My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.