Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
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the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting