My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
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Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Nomnomnomnom
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.