[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
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Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
what my late-night hot pocket sees
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME