i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
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The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
any last words?
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Autocarrot sucks!
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work