Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
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“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Realize this:
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
New Tinder profile.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.