The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
You Might Also Like
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.