Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
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If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Me too
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Smile they said.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season