When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
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A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
britain’s three elite institutions
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*