if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
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I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?