I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
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this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
My favorite farside!!
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Meow?
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.