Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
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I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.