#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
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My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
no their not
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another