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Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
me opening up to someone
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok