too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
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At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
In banana years, I am bread.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying