TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
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C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Human are so complicated
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
I love snow
– People who never shovel
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.