Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
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For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
bias laundering edition
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this