I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
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The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.