ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
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me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Challenge accepted.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows