Playdough smells better than other philosophers
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WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.