My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
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me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
where the womens at?
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth