I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
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I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
*seductively eats two tums*
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”