relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
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Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.