You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
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AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.