Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
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5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Y’all ready for this
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone