I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
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Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous