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Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.