no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
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By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”