Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
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Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?