Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
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Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters