i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
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ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.