People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
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When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser