Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
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Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Tony Hawk, age 6
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist