Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
You Might Also Like
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Meow?
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.